You Marry Like the Person You Really Are

Mobil ad "You drive like the man you really are."
Originally uploaded by tetetetempo
Today I've misplaced my sense of humor. I hope to find it some time this afternoon.

Right now you're dating a guy, and you want to marry him. Maybe you imagine that married life will take on a happy sheen your single life doesn't possess. Maybe you think that the excitement of planning a wedding and a honeymoon will somehow become real life.

The daily annoyances of your job and the nagging suspicion you've made bad career choices cease to matter for you--and for him. You're basking in the light of your very own fairy tale. Nothing else-- your boss, his boss, your friends--none of it really matters.

This is how it goes for countless poor suckers when they get married.

Unfortunately, the raging divorce rate does nothing to deter them before they take the plunge. They spend a fortune on what amounts to a four-hour party, and then head off on a cripplingly expensive honeymoon.

Then they come home to real life. While friends and strangers alike may have treated them as celebrities during the engagement phase, they find they're glow has dimmed. They start feeling like John Travolta after Look Who's Talking 2.

All the faults the couple discounted about each other suddenly become glaringly apparent: He still hates his job. She hates her job, too. He drives like a moron. She has a pathological disorder which causes her to acquire ceramic rooster figurines where ever she can find them.

They bury their bad feelings by going out to dinner and hitting Costco every single weekend to stock up on bargains. They fill up their mud room with cases of Bounty paper towels and Scott toilet paper, yet they feel strangely unfulfilled. They go to Costco the following week and, seeing all the couples pushing strollers, decide to have a baby.

They have the baby and decide to buy a house. Even though they suffer from crushing credit card debt, a mortgage company approves their application for a loan they will pay off until they are 102. They decide that childcare, dry cleaning, and commutation costs don't make it worth it for her to keep her job.

She quits to stay home with the baby.

She puts on weight. He puts on weight. They fight about whose turn it is to change the baby. He says he works all week. She says at least he gets two days off. She doesn't get any days off.

To make herself feel better, she buys clothes she won't ever wear. She gets her nails done every week. He goes out for breakfast and lunch when he's work at work. They figure they deserve it.

The debt mounts.

He resents her for trapping him in a job he hates. He resents her for sitting on her ass all day and not making any money. She resents him for trapping her at home with a needy kid all day. She resents him for being sullen and not being ***** enough to find a job that makes him happy.

He stops coming home right after work. He goes out with his friends instead. She starts making appearances at the liquor store, having developed a taste for red wine.

They decide they would be happier not being married. She doesn't love him anymore. He doesn't love her.

They get a divorce.

Two years later, she marries a man just like him. Three years later, he marries a woman just like her.

And so it goes.

If I make marriage sound like a lost cause, I don't mean to. Many people I know, certainly many of my friends, are happily married. My parents were very happily married.

I believe that you can be happily married:

-If you're realistic about your partner and his faults
-If you're responsible with your finances
-If you have a good sense of humor

Too many married people made the mistake of thinking that their partner would

-change
-never change

after the wedding.

A guy who runs up a lot of debt before the wedding will run up even more after the wedding. A woman with a fetish for knick-knacks will not be cured once she has a ring on her finger. If the person you're engaged to does not possess a sense of humor, you will not laugh again as long as you live, or until you get a divorce. Whatever comes first.

Sorry for the rant, but I've seen too many lovely people suffer in unhappy marriages of their own making. I'm sick of it.