Alone And Lonely? Is The Dark Elephant Still In Your Living Room?

“HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU” is a popular country song and a recently released book by the same title, written by Greg Behrendt & Liz Tuccillo. They tell an unpleasant truth.

Why should anyone have to say those words? Wouldn’t a person know if they were not welcomed in someone else’s space? Maybe, not, really. Sometimes the dark elephant is invisible. The dark elephant could be a lack of recognition of a big problem in one’s life, suppressed anger, resentment, extreme loneliness, an inability to feel necessary to anyone. It could be placing one’s head in the sand so as not to see infidelity or abuse going on in the home. The elephant can take many forms and still be ignored.

Many marriages break up after 15 to 40 years. The devastation leaves the left behind, with an unbearable hole in their lives. The natural response to human pain is to make it feel better, stop the hurt. There are many ways to remedy those feelings but unfortunately, some try the band-aid approach of finding someone else to fill the gap instead of working on themselves.

“Dianne” had been struggling to accept the fact that after 40 years of marriage her husband “was no longer into commitment”…. to her, at least. At first, she was devastated. She felt as if she had died, but was still going through the motions of daily living. Questions of “Why?” “How can this be?” “What did I do wrong?” “Maybe if I do such and such, he will change his mind.

”She spent some time trying to find answers to those burning questions.Nothing worked. Nothing changed, causing Dianne to give up because she realized she did not have control of her husband’s actions.

Months went by with Dianne beating herself up, feeling she was not attractive or worthy, that she did not have the qualities to please anyone. This left her feeling that she was a worthless piece of humanity. The dark elephant came to reside.

Unexpectedly, she met “Roger,” who reminded her of her former spouse. He was a gentleman, whom, she felt, seemed interested in her as an individual. This was a compliment that sent her self-esteem soaring. She felt like a teenager again. So much so that she began acting like a teenager.

She placed many phone calls to Roger, and made bold statements of “getting together.” Since she wanted so much for them to be a couple, she found herself in places she had not been before because she knew he’d be there.

Eventually feeling pressured, Roger, began to pull away. He made excuses for not meeting with her and eventually avoided her and her phone calls. That familiar feeling of rejection caused Dianne to disappear down the “slippery slope” again. The dark elephant sat steadfastly in the middle of her living room. What now?

Daring to move the elephant is unpleasant, it is scary. It is a quest for the realiy strong self. It is only for the brave. Only the courageous can enter that realm. One could use the easier route and close their eyes and pretend the elephant was not in the living room and move on. But not really! That elephant will sit down in Dianne’s living room until she moves it to the porch or out to on the lawn.

Too many times, people walk around the elephant, pretending it is not there. They try to reclaim the old loving feelings, the old familiar life structure only with a new someone, anything to avoid the pain. But until the old issues of anger, resentment, lost self-esteem and the pain of emptiness, are dealt with, the elephant won’t move.

Moving into another relationship before dealing with the previous one will not work. It’s like trying to “make new” by putting white paint over a black wall. Eventually the past will show through. Very little will have changed.

Individuals have a tendency towards choosing the same personality of the previous partner. It feels comfortable. It does not seem to present a challenge and it’s easy. But is it wise? If it didn’t work the first time, why would it work the second time around?

Actually, Dianne’s story is not unlike many others who hope to fill the emptiness created by a lost lover. Single people, who want the loneliness to go away will make many compromises to fill up the chasm. Sometimes their compromises are very damaging to their psyche. That hole is un-fillable. Like a sore, it has to heal naturally, from the inside. Pouring “sugar” into the sore will not heal it…. time, growth and patience will.

Dianne needed to spend time asking and answering the questions. She should have spent time finding ways to rebuild her self-image before entering into “the pursuit.” She would have been spared much pain.

Examining one’s deepest, darkest fears and faults, real or imagined is a start. Asking herself the questions: Where did I come from? Where do I go from here? Is it worth it? Why do I feel so badly? Can I find peace? What do I really need to feel fulfilled?

Often one will need help in moving on to happier times. A counselor or a support group or both will speed up the process. Trying to push the elephant out of the living room is made easier if there are other hands helping to push.

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